I’ve been missing for a while; lost in a dedication I’ve never dreamt possible. I finished my novel for publication and a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Believing in myself and my writing brought in this energetic shift I am now exploring. As an ADHD girlie, it’s difficult for me to hold onto a sustainable passion. It rarely happens, but this novel has been the one project I’ve never given up on. It took me a decade to finally publish it, but I believe everything happens exactly when it’s supposed to happen.
I’ve been feeling this shift coming for almost a year now. I knew that 2023 would be a year of change for me. My way of living no longer served me and I needed to take a new path to get where I wanted to be. I’m stubborn and I cling to comforts, so I’m not surprised it took an entire year for this shift to finally arrive. I spent the last year putting myself before anything else. I spent more time learning who I was than with other humans. I reconnected with my body and all the parts of me I never liked. I quit a job that offered a sense of stability for my mental health and pursued a career in holistic healing. Everything I did last year was to deconstruct the conditioning I’ve allowed to lead my life even though I’ve always known it wasn’t meant for me. All of this prepared me for publishing my novel.
Writing has been something I’ve always returned to during times of change. It is the constant that has guided me through my mental health, my spirituality, and every dark moment of my life. When I write how I feel, it makes my huge emotions more manageable. Creating stories and new worlds makes living in this world easier. I’ve kept my writing to myself for most of my life. I’ve always had a passion for it and every time I showed someone a piece, they always praised my talent (though it was mostly my family and friends, so that added another layer of imposter syndrome), but I was terrified of being judged for my thoughts. The fear of rejection kept my journals full of ideas with no follow through. And anyone who writes knows rejection is a part of the job. Rejection after rejection until you finally break through to someone. It’s difficult to sustain a passion when that is the reality – ADHD or not.
Publishing my novel forced me to reframe my thoughts about myself, my capabilities, and how I fit into this world. Through my spiritual journey, I’ve learned that my path will not be one that others believe in. From my human design to my astrology chart to the tarot cards I pull, the Universe has a plan for me that will only make sense to me. (And even I don’t understand why I do things the way I do). I’ve faced this truth before and a younger, more broken version of me believed all the people who told me I was wrong, or I’d fail. I found my confidence over the last five years, but my Polarity training made that confidence unshakable. Learning about energetic balance showed me how to follow my gut even if it’s not the norm. It grew my trust, in a way that I would never have been able to do on my own, that everything will be okay. Every decision I’ve made over the last five years has brought me to this mental state and clarity that allowed me to complete my novel while taking care of myself at each step.
I needed this steadfast confidence to hold onto my pride and my self-love even if others did not like what I wrote. I’ve allowed the judgment of others to destroy me over and over again. With a project like this, one that meant so much to me and lived so deeply within my soul, I couldn’t let this experience break me down. This time writing was going to hold me up no matter what came. And for someone who’s never worked with an editor before, I learned a lot very quickly. My editor was there to rip my story to shreds and then build it back up in the best way possible. As I said before, everything happens when it is supposed to, and this publication waited until I could deal with the destruction of my ego. The edits and changes I was forced to make felt like someone was ripping my heart out. Just a few months ago when I had to shorten my novel I started writing this piece. I wrote:
“I worked on it {my novel} for ten years and now someone who has known it for two months is changing it. They’ve only known these characters for a short time, I’ve lived with them. I’ve birthed them. They are my friends and family, and their lives are supposed to be lived in a specific way, but they’re changing them. I love these characters and I am so attached to them that I think they are perfect.
It’s like my grandmother. She’s not everyone’s cup of tea and if we weren’t related, I wouldn’t have the patience to love her. I believe she’s the best and I strive to be like her. Anyone who doesn’t love her is wrong. My editor is basically telling me to kill my grandmother!
Listen, this {my blog} is the only place I get to be dramatic. So, deal with it! xoxoxo
Every change has felt like a sword to my heart. It’s made my brain itch and I've gotten angry at my editor. Does she think I’m not a good writer? Is this even going to be my story anymore? The fear of publishing something I am not proud of with my name attached to it is overwhelming. The amount of work that needs to be done is daunting. But then I must trust that this is what I manifested. The dedication alone to make this {publishing my novel} manifest is enough energy to believe in the process. The Universe is finally handing me my dream and I’m questioning if it’s a test or not.
It is a test in a way. Will I receive the help to make this book everything I dreamed of? Can I flow with the change and guidance instead of resisting? All of these years put into this book and the attachment to the story might let my dreams slip away. Will I stand in my own way again?
Again.
I’ve done it so many times before. Tried but just enough to feel bad when it inevitably failed. Never giving it my all, setting ego aside, and trusting full-heartedly that everything was going to work out in my best interest.
And this is where I’ve always done it. I am so determined to write and speak my truth and tell my stories, that I destroy my self-esteem and my ego stands in my way. At least I allow it too. This is where I have to try the hardest. I have to do the work and build structure. I have to drop my precious ego and open myself up to change. I let other people into the most soulful parts of me. I’m letting you see me, and you might not like me.
This is the test. Do I hold my self-worth, or do you? Will the fear of being told I’m bad stop me from pursuing a passion? Can I love myself enough that it's all that I need? Love myself unconditionally and allow you to witness it whether you judge me or not? It’s scary, but this time feels different. This time feels like I can pass the test, and I’ve never felt like that before in my history of test taking.”
Reading it now, I see that this change started before I noticed it. My second thought is, “Aw, she hasn’t even seen what happened next yet and she’s already freaking out.”
I try to blindly let the Universe guide me to my next step. I’m a floater, so when I’m challenged to dig in and hold still… I go a little crazy. With the perspective I have now, I know that this entire process has been my manifestations coming true. I begged for an energetic shift toward writing and healing. I pleaded with the Universe to help me mature and become the kind of adult I wanted to be. I must challenge every creature's comfort I’ve been dependent on for twenty-eight years to become that version of myself. I have to be uncomfortable for a while to reach that maturity and ease.
The final round of edits almost broke my brain. My worst fear came true, and my novel was no longer my story. I had a mental breakdown. It felt as if my editor had really killed my grandma and then tried to convince me it was a good thing. This was another challenge from the Universe to set my ego aside and allow this collaboration to play out how it should. Let go of the story and give it space to grow into its best version. I had to compromise and listen to my editor. She’s done this as a career for years, and we were working towards the same goal. We found the outline I needed to follow, and I got to work.
For an entire month, I edited and rewrote my novel for an average of ten hours a day. I worked on it throughout the weekends, after dinner, before work… I’ve never had this kind of focus. I dropped all of my responsibilities besides work and my dog. Any spare moment I had was spent writing. I used a routine to keep myself in the zone and to keep myself accountable for taking on this task in a healthy way. Herbal tea, light a candle and set up my crystal army. I must’ve used at least fifteen crystals to support me throughout the process. And many, many baths. I barely recognized myself. I’m a floater! I go with the flow and make an unreasonable number of excuses for myself. The discipline I found in January was what I’ve been asking the Universe for. Just another piece of the grander manifestation that’s been publishing my novel.
While trying to stay mentally and emotionally stable throughout this process I knew I needed to work with my inner perfectionist. You cannot have as many Virgo placements as I do and not have one. I knew that she would need attention and love for me to be able to actually let go of my story to let it breathe. Throughout my healing journey I’ve learned that the parts of you that you hate, you need to face with love to move the energy (easier said than done). I tried to teach her that there is a place in my life for her detail-oriented energy with a loving and nurturing approach. I sent her unconditional love, gave her a name, and allowed her to take over while doing small tasks leading up to diving into my novel. I took a workshop in the middle of this at my teacher’s studio that helped me show my perfectionist that we would be fine no matter how this turned out. We are worthy of love and success no matter what another person says. We define what our success looks like.
When we {my perfectionist and I} got our hands into that last edit, I let her lead the way. She’s always had a clear plan and holds most of my masculine energy, so I followed her lead to a new story that became exactly what we wanted to say. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with this necessary discipline if I hadn’t connected with my perfectionist in a loving and healthy way. We learned where to balance each other, which brings it all back to Polarity. Being in balance with all versions of myself gives me the confidence to trust this challenging path. Before I sent the final edit to my publisher, I checked in with my inner child and asked her if she was happy. It’s her story so I wanted to make sure to honor her in the FINAL product. She could barely hold in her excitement, and I knew I made her proud. Next was my perfectionist. “This is it. After this there is no more changing it, so do you want to go back and fix anything?” For the first time in my life, she had no complaints. She did her best and even though she knows absolutely nothing is perfect (except for Sunnie of course) we got this story as close to it as we could. I double checked with my “mean” pendulum who doesn’t lie to me even when I want it to, and I sent it feeling confident.
Now of course the Universe wasn’t done with me. She warned me through every tarot reading from that moment to last week. “Your path will be challenging.” “People will not understand you.” “Go with your gut.” “Follow your intuition and don’t question it.” “Lower your expectations.” Card after card, I misinterpreted every single one. I set my ego down to write, but she’s not staying away forever! God no. She’s too dramatic and self-indulgent to stay to the side for long. I was done with the novel. I had finished the hero’s journey and now I got to drink wine with my lover!
Silly Claudia. You forget that the Universe always triple checks that you’ve learned your lesson.
I went to Costa Rica with my in-laws and allowed my ego to take over again. I was celebrating the success and my self-worth being fulfilled. I’ve never felt so proud of myself. I was giddy when I thought about my novel. It’s the exact feeling that I asked the Universe for; to be completely comfortable as myself. But she does not just give you what you want. She gives it and then makes sure you’re ready for the change that comes with getting what you asked for. In the past, I’ve received this feeling, but my self-doubt won, and it was another few years until she tried again.
All of the work and growth led me to turning my data back on after my trip and seeing an email that didn’t say, “Your novel is perfect, and we fucking loved it!”
I felt disappointed and sad. My energy completely turned off and I couldn’t even see the positives of the email. There were two negative lines and they cut through more than the one that said that it was good. My perfectionist deflated and that self-doubt started to creep in. The one that said, “I told you so. You’re a horrible writer and no one cares what you have to say.” And even though I knew it wasn’t true, my body needed to feel that rush of disappointment. I needed to feel it and not rationalize. For almost an hour I sat within that self-pity allowing my perfectionist to vent and that self-doubt to say it’s peace, but that shift had already happened. Once everyone within me was done feeling their feels, I reached up to my highest self and my guides to ask them for clarity. And those fucking tarot cards poured through my head. I remembered reading after reading and realized they were preparing me for this moment. Who holds my self-worth? Me or you?
I checked back in with myself. My inner child still loved the story. My perfectionist calmed down and agreed with my inner child. My highest self and guides led me to exactly where I needed to be. When every single aspect of my being believes I did the right thing and that it’s the exact story we needed to tell, then who am I, a mere mortal, to deny them? I hold my self-worth, and I think I am worthy of success, love, joy, and ease.
Publishing my novel challenged every single thing I’ve worked on for the last five years. It brought me closer to my magic, my confidence, and my perfectionist. It healed parts of me that had been bleeding since my childhood. It gave me a purpose and taught me discipline. This was the catalyst for change that I needed and begged the Universe for. She just waited until I was ready to fully receive her gifts. I always get frustrated when she says “soon, but not yet.” She works on universal time, while we humans work on Earth hours. A short blip in the Universe is a lifetime for us. It was only after everything that’s happened over the last decade that I was ready to fully receive my manifestation with an open heart while holding my own self-worth higher than others' opinions. I know that these challenging moments will continuously pop up as I move towards that maturity and alignment I seek, but I also know I have all the tools I need to be successful.
Past Futures will be available on April 18th, 2024!
